A Heartfelt Thank You

I would like to thank all of you who have read and commented on my post that was selected for a “Freshly Pressed” spot.  I am overwhelmed by the responses to this post, and touched deeply by all of the prayers and well wishes sent our way.

I am reading through each response and answering each one, even the negative ones.  I have been touched to tears by so many of your kind words.  There are a lot of comments so if I have not gotten to your comment yet…..I’m coming, it may take a bit.

I can completely understand some of the negativity that some people have expressed about my post .  Just as I am willing to accept your opinion as your opinion and not hold it against you, I would expect that you would do the same for mine.

For the most verbal one, I have been to your blog, it is not something that interests me just like mine does not interest you, I don’t find it helpful to my life in any way.  So, since it is my choice, I would not choose to follow your blog even if you weren’t so negative about mine.  I did not seek you out to read or follow mine.

People have no idea what we’ve been through, don’t judge too harshly.  We’ve been those people who have said “That could never happen to us.”  We’ve lost family and friends, been blessed and prayed for to our face only to be stabbed in the back by the same people.  If you were hoping your words would wound, they don’t….you can’t hurt us more than we already have by those we thought were part of our own.

I realize that my letters to my son can seem somewhat harsh….for those of you who are following my journey you will eventually see how we got here and realize that is not the case at all.  Eventually as our journey plays out, you will understand that my words are really a plea, not criticism or blame.  My son would be the first to tell you that this is true.

So thank you to all of you who sent your thoughts and prayers….I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being so kind.  You touched a life by reaching out to someone you didn’t know, perhaps without really realizing it, you offered a random act of kindness.  How awesome are all of you!!

Take care….God Bless

Faith

To My Son…..Finally The Phone Call

So, you finally called last night.

You are defensive right from the start

And sarcastic

You tried to explain your absence at your sister’s on Sunday

Sorry…I want to believe you, but I can’t

You say you tried to call on Sunday

Before we left for the party

I check Caller ID while you are on the phone

No calls from you or anyone that day

You then say

Youe phone has been giving you trouble

Your number is not appearing

When you call people

WOW

How amazing

Do you see how hard this is for me

I ask if you are planning to come to town to see your children

You say yes

You’re going to leave early in the morning on Sunday

I ask if it’s so that you can get here for breakfast

No you say

A friend is driving with you

You are taking her to her family so she can visit

Of couse it’s a “her”

Pfft I say…

How convenient her family lives close by

Right around the corner you say

I tell you she is not welcome here

There better be not any excuses

If her family is not home

Or her visit cut short

She will not be welcome here

She will have to find a place to wait for you

This little parolee chaser

I won’t allow her to share your time with your children

Your children better get a great visit

Your full attention

Nothing less

I am at a loss

I don’t know who you are

Wait

Maybe I do

Maybe I just don’t want to admit

That you are not who I want you to be

Nor am I

Who I want to be

With you

I hate where we are

We have always been so close

I hate that I can’t trust what you say

I hate that I can’t trust you

I know how we got here

But you have to be the person

Who gets us back on track

My hands are tied

I have told you your entire life

Perception is everything

Trust is golden

You are the only person

Who can erase my perception

That you aren’t always

Telling the truth

I am begging you

Please find the person

You used to be

I miss him

Love You

Your Mom

The Calm Before The Storm – May 2007

May 2007

The beginning of May

Things appeared to be going well

We celebrate Mother’s Day

With a family dinner

Everyone is here

Smiling, laughing

Having a great time

But as the days go by

Things don’t stay that way

Her mom runs a business out of her home

She works for her mom

She is supposed to work 9:00 a.m. – 6:00 p.m.

Most nights she doesn’t come home

This has been one of the problems all along

Why can’t she and your son come home at night

She says it’s because her dad works at night

She does not want to leave her mom alone

Seriously?

Why?

Before this pregnancy she went out

At least three nights a week

Out with the girls she said

Out with friends

But she is pregnant

She can’t run like that right now

She wants you to come there after work

She wants you to have dinner there

She wants you to play with your son there

It’s the same story

As it has been all along

It’s chaos there

At her mom’s house

Too many people in and out

You want the peace of your home

You want to build your family life

Around memories of your childhood

Even in divorce

Your childhood was structured

You want dinner at home

Just the three of you

You want to spend time with your son

In his own home

His own yard

He wants to be home with you

He likes time with his Daddy

To play hot wheels on the floor

He likes to help you cut the grass

To wash the car

He thinks it’s funny when mommy yells

When daddy parks his car on the grass

He cries when she tells him they are going back to Nana

He doesn’t want to go

He doesn’t want to leave you

She tells you it will be easier for him to sleep there

She won’t have to worry about getting him up in the morning

So she can get there for work on time

But you push for what you want

A little more

A little louder

Tick Tock

Tick Tock

Off in the distance is the faintest sound of thunder

You have to listen well to hear it

But it’s there

The Calm Before The Storm – April 2007

April 2007

We worked together, my son and I

I in the front office, he in the plant

Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t

Most often than not….it did

My son met me in the hallway near the break room

He was excited as he told me that baby number two was on the way

I was excited and cautious

Another grandchild how blessed are we

But there were problems

Just 5 short months ago you asked to move back home

We didn’t know how deep the problems were

You were both to blame – this much we knew

But we didn’t have all the details

Didn’t know that there were more people involved

So we based our response

On what little information you shared

We told you to go back

To work it out

You had a beautiful little boy

You both needed to think of him

You were buying a home

From the outside it looked like you had a great life

I know….

You’ll argue that your house was not a home

If I search in my heart

I can’t and I won’t disagree with that

But you made a committment

We felt you had to try

We didn’t know all the facts

Perhaps if we had

Things would not have spiraled out of control

Her mother was not happy about baby number 2

She made sure everyone knew it

But her momma had an advantage

She had more information than we had

Your wife’s family was a dysfunctional family

Lots of lies, lots of secrets, lots of deception

Her momma is a control freak

She only saw your faults

Never her own childs

Or maybe she did see her daughter faults

Maybe that’s why there were three in your marriage not two

The momma didn’t see it coming

The change in you after that December blow up

Momma didn’t see that you were done being controlled by her

That you wanted her out of your marriage

She didn’t see that you were fighting for your family

She didn’t see that you were determined to make your house a home

And very soon there would be four

You were determined that it would not be five

Tick Tock

Tick Tock

The winds are picking up…..

You can feel a slight shift in the flow of the air………….

 

To My Son…..Are You Kidding Me?

Are you kidding me?

I am so angry with you right now I can’t stand it!

You will want me to believe that your absence yesterday and the reason behind it was the truth?

Don’t answer that…..of course you do.

And why?

Because I always believe you.

Yy heart wants everything you say to be true, unfortunately my common sense knows better.

It knows you lie so that your wants and needs come first.

The fact that I am the one person you failed to communicate your absence to yesterday makes me sure that it is and was all just a lie.

You didn’t communicate with me because you know now that I am no longer going to be an enabler.  You knew I would call you out on your lie.

You hurt your son, he deserves so much more.

You don’t deserve all the work I put in to making sure that little boy did not forget you while you were gone.

You don’t deserve the benefit of all of my story twisting of where you were for 2.5 years.  Not lying, but not telling him all the details of what you did and where you were, he was too little to understand.

He adores you…..he looks forward to seeing you and you blow him off for a piece of ass.

For who?

Some little parolee chaser who’s list of past boyfriends reads like the bed check sheet of a prison guard?

And isn’t it sad that I, your Mother, was put in a position to know that there is a bed check sheet for prison guards?

Is that what you want?

Is that the type of girl you want?

Do you think so little of yourself?

Don’t tell me work got cancelled, I’m sorry, my heart and head are telling me it was all a lie from the start.

And we both know that my intuition is usually dead on.

Wasn’t it me who knew in my heart that something bad happened that day even before I found you?

You hurt your sister yesterday….your twin, the one person who would never let anyone say anything bad about you.

Your sister let go of life long friends, letting them slip out of her life because of the things they said.

She let down her guard and lifted up her hopes so you came along ran her over with your lies.

Why is everything and everyone else more important than the people who waited for you?

Why is everyone else, even yourself, more imporatant that those of us who believed in you and that you had changed?

You are exactly 30 days away from having your freedom totally restored.  No teathers, no check-in, no unexpected house visits.

Will there still be challenges and road blocks?

Absolutely…..

Why then are you surrounding yourself with people who don’t have your best interests at heart?

A whole new beginning awaits you.

Why do you do the things you do?

I love you, but I don’t like you right now.

I won’t stand by and watch you hurt your children and your sister.

They deserve better.